Swan (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} queenostara) wrote,@ 2009-01-15 20:51:00 |
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FUCK
I feel like this is stupid. But perhaps that's because I'm just so wrapped up in thinking what I want is unimportant.
FUCK. I don't know how to word this. I hate that. I hate that... I just never know how to say what I'm feeling. So I assume that THAT'S unimportant too and... well, maybe it'll be easier if I just say that this:
Only very recently have I realized just how easily I "go with the flow", just go along with whatever other people around me/with me want to do, even if I don't really want to do what they want to do. I only recently realized too that I generally don't even acknowledge it was something I didn't want to do until after the fact. That's how little I consider my wants/needs when there are someone else's in the picture. I think that's bad. And it makes me wonder just how much I've missed out on in my life because of it.
I know everyone compromises, everyone gives in, but I feel like I do more of that. And I've been this way my whole life. Maybe it was because as the youngest all the bitch work got passed to me, maybe it's just general low self-esteem. I don't know what it is, but since realizing it, I've also realized that that really bothers me. My inability to state what it is I want and need and consider it as valid as what someone I care about wants and needs really bothers me.
And it honestly really kind of scares me. I think about so many "what ifs" now. What if in college I'd made friends with people who weren't so nice? What if my first "real" boyfriend hadn't been someone who considered my wants and needs to be of utmost importance (someone who anticipated them even before I could)? There could have been so many more bad situations in my life because I lack the ability to say "no" or really to say ANYthing about what I want. Thankfully, there weren't. I wonder now, honestly, I wonder if that's why for so long I really didn't make any friends. Even if I wasn't really aware of how much of a backbone I DON'T posses, I was still (subconsciously maybe?) afraid of manipulation.
At the same time, my thinking someone else's wants are more important than mine has probably prevented my making friends, experiencing new things, etc in another way. I'm always afraid at best that I'm bothering someone, at worst, that people just plain don't want me around for whatever reason. So often, I don't go places, even if I am invited. Or if I go, I can't find it in me to talk to people I find interesting, I assume again that I'm seen as an annoyance/bother/worthlessloser who nobody wants to talk to and generally STFU and drink until not talking doesn't bother me anymore.
*sigh* I don't know where at all I'm going with this, I suppose this is yet another example of why I just... hate to talk about my own personal raw issues on a... I dunno, analytical level I guess...? Because, half the time when I do finally open up my fucking mouth, I have no idea how to say what I mean.
*sigh* WHY do I do this to myself? WHY?
I feel like this is stupid. But perhaps that's because I'm just so wrapped up in thinking what I want is unimportant.
FUCK. I don't know how to word this. I hate that. I hate that... I just never know how to say what I'm feeling. So I assume that THAT'S unimportant too and... well, maybe it'll be easier if I just say that this:
Only very recently have I realized just how easily I "go with the flow", just go along with whatever other people around me/with me want to do, even if I don't really want to do what they want to do. I only recently realized too that I generally don't even acknowledge it was something I didn't want to do until after the fact. That's how little I consider my wants/needs when there are someone else's in the picture. I think that's bad. And it makes me wonder just how much I've missed out on in my life because of it.
I know everyone compromises, everyone gives in, but I feel like I do more of that. And I've been this way my whole life. Maybe it was because as the youngest all the bitch work got passed to me, maybe it's just general low self-esteem. I don't know what it is, but since realizing it, I've also realized that that really bothers me. My inability to state what it is I want and need and consider it as valid as what someone I care about wants and needs really bothers me.
And it honestly really kind of scares me. I think about so many "what ifs" now. What if in college I'd made friends with people who weren't so nice? What if my first "real" boyfriend hadn't been someone who considered my wants and needs to be of utmost importance (someone who anticipated them even before I could)? There could have been so many more bad situations in my life because I lack the ability to say "no" or really to say ANYthing about what I want. Thankfully, there weren't. I wonder now, honestly, I wonder if that's why for so long I really didn't make any friends. Even if I wasn't really aware of how much of a backbone I DON'T posses, I was still (subconsciously maybe?) afraid of manipulation.
At the same time, my thinking someone else's wants are more important than mine has probably prevented my making friends, experiencing new things, etc in another way. I'm always afraid at best that I'm bothering someone, at worst, that people just plain don't want me around for whatever reason. So often, I don't go places, even if I am invited. Or if I go, I can't find it in me to talk to people I find interesting, I assume again that I'm seen as an annoyance/bother/worthlessloser who nobody wants to talk to and generally STFU and drink until not talking doesn't bother me anymore.
*sigh* I don't know where at all I'm going with this, I suppose this is yet another example of why I just... hate to talk about my own personal raw issues on a... I dunno, analytical level I guess...? Because, half the time when I do finally open up my fucking mouth, I have no idea how to say what I mean.
*sigh* WHY do I do this to myself? WHY?
