Entry tags:

nature made, nm4, personal greatness, personal strength, writer's block

Writer's Block: Personal Strength

Really, I think I find my personal strength in my small and underdeveloped way of giving something I just don't agree with the bird it deserves and moving on with my life.

Recently, I read someone's blog where they discussed the need many women seem to feel to practically apologize just for existing. Even if there's no sorry involved (although there often is), admittances (when they're voiced) precluded by "I know it's terrible" or "I know plenty don't agree" etc do tend to be found more often (in my experience anyway) in a circle of females than they do a circle of males. Now I'm not going to go ahead and back this up with research and surveys and whatnot, because quite frankly, I'm pressed for time enough as it is. And I'm not going to get into the social implications of this because quite frankly, my current dips into feminism have only begun to show me just how much I don't know (although, I think some can come up with an idea of why men might sometimes be less apologetic - society still enforcing patriarchal systems for the win!). Hell, I'm not even going to bother noting that years of abuse probably didn't help this feeling of inadequacy.

What I am going to do is comment on how this apologetic behavior has been almost as natural as breathing for me for most of my 24 years on this earth and how I've really only fairly recently come to realize that there is no logical reason for me to apologize for being myself.

I could list all the reasons why I'm not a bad person. I could list all the attributes that make me a worthwhile friend, lover and human being. Hell, I could even tell you how awesome all my sprawled over the place personal characteristics are, even if they don't tend to coordinate with the norm.

However, even listing all of that is just a more subtle way of apologizing for myself. A more subtle way of saying that no matter how awesome I am, there must always be an easy way for someone to recognize it, and that if they don't recognize it, it's my fault. A thirst to prove that though nature (and perhaps God if that thing exists) saw fit to give me life and keep me alive, I somehow need to justify just how worthy of existing I am. Just how worthy of being in a group I am. etc...

Well, quite frankly, I'm done with that. I could even list all my character flaws and how I know they're flaws (example, "I know I'm chubby, you don't have to tell me") as a more subtle way of apologizing. But I won't. Because I'm really rather sick of reinforcing in my brain the thought process that I somehow need to prove to people that I am worthy of their attention. There are, roughly a hundred million gabazillion people I'm going to dislike, ignore or just plain never meet in my lifetime. And that's ok. They aren't any less worthy of attention either. They just haven't happened to catch mine and I haven't happened to catch theirs. Out of those hundred million gabazillion, I'll probably disagree with about 70 million gabazillion on at least one thing or several things (and at least that amount will probably disagree with me on several things). And that's ok too. I am not wrong for my opinion, and I am not wrong for voicing it. They are not inherently wrong for having an opinion different than mine. Merely different.

So really, it's ok if you want to ignore me. And it's ok if you don't want to like me. Hell, it's perfectly fine if you don't even know that I exist. Chances are, I didn't know you existed either. It doesn't make me less of a person for it. And it doesn't mean I have to apologize. If my actions hurt or offend or otherwise take away from someone's life, then I'm going to apologize. But until then, there's nothing wrong with me or the way I live my life.

The best way I can think to sum up this underused but powerful strength of mine is my "fuck it all to hell" quota. If there's something wrong with how you feel about me, or you think there's something wrong with me, be it my body, my brain, my habits, or my preferences, well "fuck it all to hell" there's nothing I can do. It's not my job to make you feel comfy with what I have to say or do, and it certainly isn't my job to keep myself from saying or doing it all for the sake of your comfort. Fuck it all to hell, and more importantly, fuck you if you have a problem with me. Because it's your problem, not mine, and it is not my problem to deal with it.