"But it'll only change your face. It won't change the person the face made you" - house
I don't think I've talked much about it before mostly because my interests in feminism and body acceptance have really only been expanded upon recently. For a long time it was never something I wanted to admit to even though it seems so obvious. I guess it goes along with accepting that I will likely always be in the "overweight" BMI category and that I will likely never be the sort of woman appearing on magazine covers who young girls look at and wish they could have my body. It goes along with accepting that I am and likely always will be (yes, just say it) sort of fat. I'm not saying that to be down on myself. I'm saying it because it's the truth. I'm chubby and almost always have been. It's apparent my body LIKES being this way even if I'm not so sure yet if I do. Even if I went back and changed that one point in my life, that one point for so long I've pinned on my chubbiness that in actuality in light of a lot of research I've done lately probably is only responsible for about 10% of my weight, if that. Which, just so you know, if I lost 10% of my weight I'd still be in the "overweight" category.

This concept of going back and changing is very much tied up in my fantasy of being thin. When I was about seven or eight I read a book called Bunnacula by James Howe about a bunny adopted by a family who turns out to be a vampire bunny (he sucked the juice out of vegetables). I remember reading a scene about a boy who liked to read and often spend weekend nights up late reading and munching on snacks to keep him awake. I remember thinking "hey, I like to do that!" and took that as my cue to do the same. For a long time I remember thinking how it was so so much food I would binge eat but looking back now through non-judgemental eyes I realize it wasn't nearly as much as I thought it was. Something people would look at a young boy my age eating the same and think "he doesn't eat much, does he?"

I don't know how to explain my feelings about this eating. I don't know how to explain what I've learned from body acceptance and science in light of the public dogma of eating and/or fat = bad. And I don't know how to shake the shame I'm ashamed to say I feel in admitting it. All I know is for a long time it was something I wished I could go back and change, I was convinced I would be so much thinner if I hadn't read that book and hadn't spent weekends where I had nothing else planned (which were rare come to think of it since I was such an athletic and spoiled kid going to this practice or that lesson or competition all the time) happily reading and munching on a random snack like cinnamon toast or drinking hot chocolate.

The evil twin to this thinking and also very tied up in my fantasy of being thin was the thought that I shouldn't go back and change this event (which probably wouldn't have made me much if any thinner really) because being chubby almost all my life was a deeply ingrained essential part of myself. The snobbier side of me wants to think it made me deeper, more sensitive. But I know this isn't really true and is in itself a form of size discrimination. Though being chubby and living with a terribly fat-phobic, fat-hating mother (and father) has probably helped me to understand the ways in which fatter people are treated more like lower class citizens the fatter they are (especially fat women) which has intertwined well with my sensitive side, my recent acceptance of the fantasy of being thin as nothing more than a well, fantasy has brought me to the realization that perhaps, just perhaps I might be prone to being just a little bit sensitive and the deep, thoughtful character I identify as.

This goes against a lot of what I believe in because for the most part I do very much believe that circumstances, culture and family structures one encounters do have a huge impact on the kind of person someone becomes. Don't believe me? Ask someone raised in a monotheist religion if they seriously think it's plausible there are multiple gods. The likelihood of them saying "no" is very high. Similarly, someone raised in a polytheist religion is likely to think the idea of one god is silly. I know every experience I've had is part of what makes me who I am, and that includes the experience of always being one of the heaviest girls on my sports teams, the experience of perpetually being awkward and afraid that my fat wouldn't be "acceptable" (i.e. acceptably covered), the experience of hating what I see in the mirror and the experience of enduring the constant snide remarks from my mother when shopping for clothing has had a huge impact on who I have become.

Which is why being thin won't change who I am. And it can never erase who I was. But not being thin in a culture that abhors fat as the end all, be all worst thing there is to be has had an impact. Does that make sense?

My fat, particularly my belly always prone to be large and beer belly-ish has always been the one part of me I wish I could fix (well, aside for my shitty self esteem and my volatile temper) and the part of my I always thought was keeping me from being pretty and feminine. But I guess all my rambling is to say that there have been times when I've whittled it down somewhat (for it to only return months later despite my still sticking to whatever diet) I've still seen it as this huge, loathsome thing worthy of detesting, worthy of hoping I could rip apart. There have been times when I've come closer to somewhat representing the cultural standard of beauty and thinness and I STILL felt terrible about myself, I STILL wanted to rip my body apart, I STILL felt inadequate, not good enough and essentially like the stupid, lazy, lower class citizen the media convinces everyone that people like me and fatter are.

Partly, my fat made me this way. Partly society's hatred of fat did. I'm mostly working on liking who I am, liking who I've become and accepting that really there may always be a part of me that has to work on believing in myself, a part of me that has to work on believing I'm beautiful and I admit, it was WAY harder believing when I was single than it is now that I have a handsome and loving boyfriend.

So I guess I'm trying to say that I'm trying to like who I am. I'm trying to like who I've become. But I don't have to like how I got here. I don't have to like that constant sexualization of women's bodies has lead me to constantly evaluate my own body and I don't have to like how society treats people's bodies like public property.

I'm ending this here because I have to cheer for the Cavs and I really just can't do both at once. Maybe I'll be able to elaborate on this later.

ETA: DAMN YOU ORLANDO MAGIC!!!! ARRRRRRRRRRGH!