Swan (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} queenostara) wrote,@ 2009-06-27 15:06:00 |
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On how not to be an asshole
A few days ago I read a blog post that I don't really know what to make of to be honest. For full background reading you can follow this link http://robinabrahams.com/2009/06/etique
"Just as we expect more than etiquette strictly demands from those whom we love, we should be willing to accept less than etiquette demands if there are no emotions at stake."
That's very true in a lot of ways. We know what buttons are pushed by what kinds of statements when it comes to those we know well and love, and consequently, people who don't know you well or are just meeting you for the first time likely aren't going to know what those special triggers of yours are. All very rational, and part of being an adult I think, is learning to accept that just because someone hurt you does not mean that it was necessarily their intent to hurt you. Often hurt feelings are the result of misunderstanding, miscommunication, or a combination of the two.
However, I have a problem with this statement: "And it’s absolutely vital to sanity to realize that when you step out of your circle of loved ones, you no longer have the right to that kind of customized treatment. People will say things that are hurtful to you, and if those things are within the common bounds of civility we’ve defined as a society, you cowboy up and answer them politely."
Again, true, to expect customized treatment outside your circle of loved ones is well, yeah, kind of silly. However, I think this kind of "you cowboy up" rationale is exactly what a lot of people who often are intentionally offensive, hurtful, rude, etc just for shock value, cheap laughs, or to make themselves feel better etc use when they've hurt someone when they don't want to apologize.
I dunno, I see a lot of that rationale being used for trolldom. I feel it's not far from "Oh come on, you're just letting your feewings get the better of you" or "you're just overly sensitive" or "it's not MY fault you took it the wrong way" which, let's not even get into that whole thing because I think it's an incredibly sticky mess of an issue to get into because quite frankly, I think a lot of times "oh you just don't get it, I didn't mean it that way" is rather like saying, "Oh, I didn't mean to be offensive toward you, I meant to be offensive toward all the people not partaking in this conversation who I'm otherizing" 'cause uh, that's totally NOT better.
This all goes back to a post I made a while back about trolls chalking up any kind of uproar over their statements to "teh ninnies' feewings" and about how I really just don't think it's that goddamn fucking hard to try to not hurt someone. Obviously at least every once in a while you're going to step on a sore spot for someone. That's part of being human. Heck, sometimes even with loved ones we forget crap and that's often how arguments start. But I am saying, loved one or no, if there's someone who you know is going to be upset by a statement you're thinking of making, maybe think twice about it. Try to reword it. Or if you're thinking of saying it because you're angry and you think you DO want to hurt them, don't. We all have our sore spots and we all know how much harder they hurt when someone presses them. Don't go picking fights like that. You can state your opinion, sure, but even when being the bluntest of bluntest people (me) there are ways to say even the most unwanted (which are often true) statements with civility. That also includes fucking being PC. I've said it before but I'm saying it again, 'cause damnit I don't think it can be said enough. If you think it takes too much work to try to be PC you strike me as lazy and most likely privileged. And yeah, you're probably an asshole. Choosing to remain ignorant on this sort of thing is like choosing to remain ignorant about learning how to fly and still expecting to be able to wing it (ha) and fly an aircraft, not only awesomely, but so awesome everyone thanks you for your awesome flying skillz. When instead, it's much more likely you might even learn how to get the thing in the air and keep it there a while, heck, maybe even land it ok enough to where you survive, but will probably likely hurt anyone you encounter in the process and will most likely hurt yourself. And yeah, that makes you an asshole.
So here's how not to be one. Don't say shit just to piss people off. The only one who can gauge when you're doing this is you, so show some fucking integrity to yourself and refrain from this kind of behavior. Obviously, sometimes there may be things you want to say, or feel strongly need to be said even though it might piss people off. You're welcome to say them, but try to keep them decently said. After all, no one's going to listen to you if you come off as an asshole anyway. You're going to hurt feelings. You are. And even if you didn't mean to, it is going to be your fault. Got that? It is going to be YOUR FAULT. No more victim blaming, no more "but they're the ninny" none of this bullshit "it's THEIR fault they wanted to take it that way" because they didn't WANT to take it that way, they just fucking did and you set them off. It's your fault. We know you didn't mean it. Heck, even if you did, we're not saying you're a bad person. Got that? Even if you pull an asshole move you're NOT a bad person. And no one's calling you one. If they call you anything, it'll be asshole, dick, or douche, because, for at least a moment, you were one. So acknowledge it. Acknowledge you hurt the feelings. Cause nothing hurts already hurt feelings more than trying to invalidate them. It sucks and it's a shitty thing to do to someone. Acknowledge you hurt their feelings. And this might be hard too, but you need to do it.
Apologize. Just fucking apologize. Two words. That's it. I'M SORRY. That's all you have to do. Two painless words. Don't include qualifiers. Don't say, "I'm sorry you can't take a joke" or even the slightly more fauxgressive but no less shitty "I'm sorry you got upset/took it the wrong way" or even "I'm sorry you're upset". Even if that's all you may be sorry for, don't fucking say it. It's a shitty thing to do. Half-plogies are not acceptable. Just say you're sorry. If you feel you must, maybe try to explain how you meant it to come out, but be careful with this too. Because this is often where a lot of victim blaming comes in too. Be sure not to paint it as though it's that person's fault they're upset, even if you think it is. If you don't think you can do this, just apologize and move on. It's not worth making both of you more upset just so you can selfishly try to validate your intentions.
This sounds hard right? Just remember how goddamn fucking much I swear hear and think of how much I have to NOT swear around screaming kids at the library all day (screaming kids who a lot of parents don't tend to parent, mind you). And somehow, I manage eight hours without exploding. I'm not saying I'm a saint for this. But I am saying I think a lot of the time we exaggerate how difficult it is to refrain from saying something offensive just for the sake of being offensive. When the reality is, no, it's really just NOT that fracking hard. See how easy it was to substitute "fracking" for the swear?
A few days ago I read a blog post that I don't really know what to make of to be honest. For full background reading you can follow this link http://robinabrahams.com/2009/06/etique
"Just as we expect more than etiquette strictly demands from those whom we love, we should be willing to accept less than etiquette demands if there are no emotions at stake."
That's very true in a lot of ways. We know what buttons are pushed by what kinds of statements when it comes to those we know well and love, and consequently, people who don't know you well or are just meeting you for the first time likely aren't going to know what those special triggers of yours are. All very rational, and part of being an adult I think, is learning to accept that just because someone hurt you does not mean that it was necessarily their intent to hurt you. Often hurt feelings are the result of misunderstanding, miscommunication, or a combination of the two.
However, I have a problem with this statement: "And it’s absolutely vital to sanity to realize that when you step out of your circle of loved ones, you no longer have the right to that kind of customized treatment. People will say things that are hurtful to you, and if those things are within the common bounds of civility we’ve defined as a society, you cowboy up and answer them politely."
Again, true, to expect customized treatment outside your circle of loved ones is well, yeah, kind of silly. However, I think this kind of "you cowboy up" rationale is exactly what a lot of people who often are intentionally offensive, hurtful, rude, etc just for shock value, cheap laughs, or to make themselves feel better etc use when they've hurt someone when they don't want to apologize.
I dunno, I see a lot of that rationale being used for trolldom. I feel it's not far from "Oh come on, you're just letting your feewings get the better of you" or "you're just overly sensitive" or "it's not MY fault you took it the wrong way" which, let's not even get into that whole thing because I think it's an incredibly sticky mess of an issue to get into because quite frankly, I think a lot of times "oh you just don't get it, I didn't mean it that way" is rather like saying, "Oh, I didn't mean to be offensive toward you, I meant to be offensive toward all the people not partaking in this conversation who I'm otherizing" 'cause uh, that's totally NOT better.
This all goes back to a post I made a while back about trolls chalking up any kind of uproar over their statements to "teh ninnies' feewings" and about how I really just don't think it's that goddamn fucking hard to try to not hurt someone. Obviously at least every once in a while you're going to step on a sore spot for someone. That's part of being human. Heck, sometimes even with loved ones we forget crap and that's often how arguments start. But I am saying, loved one or no, if there's someone who you know is going to be upset by a statement you're thinking of making, maybe think twice about it. Try to reword it. Or if you're thinking of saying it because you're angry and you think you DO want to hurt them, don't. We all have our sore spots and we all know how much harder they hurt when someone presses them. Don't go picking fights like that. You can state your opinion, sure, but even when being the bluntest of bluntest people (me) there are ways to say even the most unwanted (which are often true) statements with civility. That also includes fucking being PC. I've said it before but I'm saying it again, 'cause damnit I don't think it can be said enough. If you think it takes too much work to try to be PC you strike me as lazy and most likely privileged. And yeah, you're probably an asshole. Choosing to remain ignorant on this sort of thing is like choosing to remain ignorant about learning how to fly and still expecting to be able to wing it (ha) and fly an aircraft, not only awesomely, but so awesome everyone thanks you for your awesome flying skillz. When instead, it's much more likely you might even learn how to get the thing in the air and keep it there a while, heck, maybe even land it ok enough to where you survive, but will probably likely hurt anyone you encounter in the process and will most likely hurt yourself. And yeah, that makes you an asshole.
So here's how not to be one. Don't say shit just to piss people off. The only one who can gauge when you're doing this is you, so show some fucking integrity to yourself and refrain from this kind of behavior. Obviously, sometimes there may be things you want to say, or feel strongly need to be said even though it might piss people off. You're welcome to say them, but try to keep them decently said. After all, no one's going to listen to you if you come off as an asshole anyway. You're going to hurt feelings. You are. And even if you didn't mean to, it is going to be your fault. Got that? It is going to be YOUR FAULT. No more victim blaming, no more "but they're the ninny" none of this bullshit "it's THEIR fault they wanted to take it that way" because they didn't WANT to take it that way, they just fucking did and you set them off. It's your fault. We know you didn't mean it. Heck, even if you did, we're not saying you're a bad person. Got that? Even if you pull an asshole move you're NOT a bad person. And no one's calling you one. If they call you anything, it'll be asshole, dick, or douche, because, for at least a moment, you were one. So acknowledge it. Acknowledge you hurt the feelings. Cause nothing hurts already hurt feelings more than trying to invalidate them. It sucks and it's a shitty thing to do to someone. Acknowledge you hurt their feelings. And this might be hard too, but you need to do it.
Apologize. Just fucking apologize. Two words. That's it. I'M SORRY. That's all you have to do. Two painless words. Don't include qualifiers. Don't say, "I'm sorry you can't take a joke" or even the slightly more fauxgressive but no less shitty "I'm sorry you got upset/took it the wrong way" or even "I'm sorry you're upset". Even if that's all you may be sorry for, don't fucking say it. It's a shitty thing to do. Half-plogies are not acceptable. Just say you're sorry. If you feel you must, maybe try to explain how you meant it to come out, but be careful with this too. Because this is often where a lot of victim blaming comes in too. Be sure not to paint it as though it's that person's fault they're upset, even if you think it is. If you don't think you can do this, just apologize and move on. It's not worth making both of you more upset just so you can selfishly try to validate your intentions.
This sounds hard right? Just remember how goddamn fucking much I swear hear and think of how much I have to NOT swear around screaming kids at the library all day (screaming kids who a lot of parents don't tend to parent, mind you). And somehow, I manage eight hours without exploding. I'm not saying I'm a saint for this. But I am saying I think a lot of the time we exaggerate how difficult it is to refrain from saying something offensive just for the sake of being offensive. When the reality is, no, it's really just NOT that fracking hard. See how easy it was to substitute "fracking" for the swear?
